What's the number one characteristic you look for in a partner?

Some of you submit topics for the blog to the facebook inbox.
For questions that have more than one answer I round up my pool of loyal readers and ask them for their answers.
So, here were the answers I collected.

What is the number one characteristic you look for in a partner?

Women Answered - 
Good Looks
Ambition
Funny personality
Good Listener
Swag (how he dresses)
Attentive
Talkative
Educated
Wealth
Living situation (alone or with mom)
If he flirts too much or is a player
How he treats his mother
Family oriented ( and if he wants marriage and kids)


Men Answered-
Good Looks
Manners
Big booty
Nice Breast
Eyes
Natural hair
The way she carries her self
Friendly
How she dresses (classy or trashy)
Church going
If she can have a conversation (Educated)
A good cook
Clean and tidy

Are there many differences between the things women and men look for?

10 reasons why he doesn't want to commit

So, for the women out there who harassed me about why, why, whyyy that sexy single man doesn't want them. -here are 10 good possible reasons approved by the hurt women who get left holding the "I want a relationship bag" alone.

1.He's not over his last girlfriend.
It happens. A song, a scent or a sitcom may still be giving him flashbacks of the moments he spent with someone else. He may not want to admit, but he's still carrying the torch for whatever her name is, for whatever reason. The two may have ended on good or not so good terms, but whatever the situation, a part of him has not yet moved on.
If her name still comes up in random conversations or her photo is still in a frame beside the bed - Forget him.

2. He's not ready for the responsibility.
For some men, being in a relationship is a task more tedious than house cleaning or shopping with mom. Some men don't want to share their playstation time with talking on the phone or going out to eat. They would rather listen to Movado than listen to you complain about a snippy co-worker.
If your new guy friend has a ritualistic routine he does not like to change - Forget him.

3. He's having post breakup paranoia .
What is post breakup paranoia you ask? It's the paranoid feeling you get after your last relationship went to hell in a hand basket that your next relationship will go that way too.
Men, like women, DO get tired of being hurt, insulted and walked over. Though he may like you alot and want to make it work, the lingering remains of the lies from an ex may prevent him from trusting completely.
If he is constantly asking you questions about your whereabouts, your friends, your plans over and over even when you have told him the answer five times before - Forget him.

4. He only wants sex.
Doesn't this speak for itself? Many men wish you would come over, have sex and go home. But women, being as emotional as we are, make it hard (no pun intended) for that feeling to be expressed. That way, men end up cuddling, spooning, buying dinner and all other manner of things that make US think they are genuinely interested in US, when they are simply trying to avoid us acting a fool after the sex is done.
If a man only calls you on the day he wants to see you - Forget him.

5. He doesn't want to think about the future.
He's happy with his job, his car, living with his mom. Most men at a certain age go day by day. Women on the other hand, when involved, begin thinking of weddings and babies and the color of the kitchen of the dream house. Some men aren't ready to think so far ahead.
If he says he would like to be married someday and maybe you can both live with his mom - Forget him.

6. He thinks his career will suffer.
If he has studied for 10 years for a degree and has finally made partner at some firm OR he has trained in the gym for 7 years to get a rock hard body for strong man contest OR any other great feat he has achieved for the purpose of making money, he may be afraid (with good reason) that having a relationship will be a major distraction.
And he may very well be right. If he eats, sleeps and breaths the office or the gym or the chess board or whatever he has made a career of, taking time to take a woman on dates, and engage in thought provoking conversation and even cuddle post sex, WILL take time away from his work. If his job is a high stress, fast paced one, a woman may not know how to fit herself into his life without feeling often neglected which will lead to frustration and many a fight.
If he spends more than 14 hours a day dealing with work   -( you know what to do by now)

7.His wallet won't let him.
The average man thinks a woman wants to spend his money. And the average modern woman seems to think it IS his duty to spend money on her. A man who may be going through a financial crisis will not attempt to get into a relationship knowing he may be a disappointment to his partner if there is not enough money on his part for going out or the occasional gift.
On the other hand, a man may have more than enough to make him and his partner comfortable for life, but if he detects that a woman is not willing to pull her weight and expects him to shell out for every occasion, he may think twice about becoming involved with someone he has to maintain.

8. He is talking to someone else.
While you may be the good cook, Michelle down the street may be able to stand on her head in bed. A man may be faced with more than one option and for the reason that the two women both have different characteristics he enjoys, he may be unable to choose, thus making the choice to choose neither.

9.He is genuinely happy single.
Women say "I don't need a man to be a woman" and no one doubts it. So, some men don't need a woman to be a man. It really isn't about sex for many men, and some of them have learned to enjoy their singlehood with the boys at the bar, the basketball at the gym, or themselves - alone.
If you want to come over and watch the game, that's at you, but it will hurt them no more or less if you don't.



10.He just isn't that into you.
Ladies, just admit it. It was good, it was great, but it just wasn't working. You're smart, pretty and make a mean Sunday soul food, but he just did not get the head over heels butterflies and goosebumps feeling over you.
Get over it - it happens. there are plenty fish in the sea.
If he's not into you  and you know it, don't stick around hoping your rice and peas will change his mind - Forget him.





In addition. Ladies, we are not magicians, we cannot abracadabra and change a man's mind. If he does not want you, let him go. It might hurt in the beginning, but trust me, it will hurt much worse in the long run.

If a man says he doesn't want a relationship - believe him.

He may be sexy, suave and the best thing since sliced bread. He may also be that other endearing S word - Single. But girlfriend, if a man says he doesn't want a relationship, trust me, that is JUST what he means.

As women we go off on this tiring tirade - maybe if I cook all his favorite foods he will want to be my man.
Maybe if I like all the things he likes he will see we have so much in common he will want to be my man. Maybe if I don't bitch and complain like his ex did he will want to be my man.
And of course, the played out myth, if I put the nookie loving down on him sooooo goood - he won't want to loose me. If I try the positions his other girls didn't, if I wash his clothes, if I lend him my car to go to work everyday, if I let him move in...

Bla, bla, bla. Honey chile, you WASTING time. You can cook like a southern plantation slave and have sex on the moon, that man will not be serious about you.
In fact, the more you do for him, the less serious he will get.
YES sister girl, I know you don't want to hear it, but take it from one who has walked that road all too many times.

We all know the age old saying, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. And men love free milk and plenty of it.

Men enjoy the fun, the dating, the sex and companionship without the nagging, the calling, the questioning, the "drama" as many of my past male lovers put it.
Keisha cooks good, Sarah is prettier to take out, Rihanna puts it down in the bedroom, Natalie gives up the money. Why settle for one good thing when he can have multiple?

Ladies, if you are looking for a relationship - DO NOT GET CAUGHT IN THE TRAP of thinking you can change that man's mind. The fact that he laid the "no relationship" card out on the table means all you are getting is a friend with benefits.

You may feel you can handle that. After all, he is too good to let pass, so why not settle for the sex if you can't get the title?
You are setting yourself up to be crying in a few months.

Sex creates a bond for females that it does not for males. While he is relieving stress with each sack session, you will be creating a platform for your own stress to grow.

The truth of the matter is you two MAY have a bond. he may really and genuinely like you as a person and see common interest that connect you. but as a man he can feel affection for multiple persons that does not conclude with a walk down the aisle.

DON'T tell yourself you can handle it. Maybe you can at first when things are new, fresh and fun, but think in terms of the long haul.
ASK YOURSELF - What will happen in six months when I have invested all my time, energy and lingerie into this man and he still doesn't want to make me his girlfriend?
What will happen when I have cooked his food, cleaned his house, ironed his clothes and he still doesn't want me.
Worse yet? What will happen if I fall in love with this man and he can't see a future with me or he suddenly runs back and tells me, his "friend" that he has feelings for someone else.
How will I feel then? What will I do? How much ice cream can i afford to eat to get over the heartache?

The hardest thing for a woman dealing with a man who remains adamant that he does not want a relationship is why. Why doesn't he want me? Why am I not good enough?
Honey, you ARE good enough  - for someone who is GOOD ENOUGH to realize you are a beautiful, smart, loyal, hardworking asset to their lives.

Don't wait for him to change his mind. Move on.


Next Blog Post. 10 reasons why he won't commit. ( For those of you who can't let go without an answer)

When should I call?

So, you go out, you meet someone, you exchange numbers(or you get their number). Now here is the question...WHEN should you call?

Some people believe in the 24 hours after rule. Others think if you met at a night club, then the next afternoon is fine. Around that time the person isn't drunk anymore, or they have had enough time to remember who you are - considering they didn't give their numbers to fifty other people.
Others do the "call you when I get home" thing. That way they stay fresh in your mind and may very well be that first thing you think you think of upon waking up.

Different strokes for different folks, as the saying goes. If in doubt - don't be afraid to ASK.
"When should I call you?"
I don't see anything wrong with asking.

The one thing you SHOULD NOT do in terms of calling someone is to NOT call. There is no point in over thinking it. Maybe he said or she said  they would call you, BIG DEAL! If you are interested, pick up the phone and call. If you happen to run into a wife, husband, baby mama or daddy, well... now you know why they wanted to be the one doing the calling. In the event that THAT happens, my advice to you is to DELETE that number - that is drama you don't need.

Now, if the person says they are busy and they will call you back. Allow them time to do so. Don't be calling them BACK again making yourself look desperate. If they haven't called you back within 24 hours, chances are they don't want to talk to you and you should just let it go.

Some people do get caught up in personal issues or work and may very well forget, though I often find those stories hard to swallow.
Remember the number one rule of interest - if a person is interested they will MAKE time for you. A phone call or text message isn't as hard as some people try to make you think it is.
If you want to risk calling again...that's on you. You may very well reap the good results of being persistent.

So, if you just got a number from a sexy female or swagalicious male. USE IT!!
What are you waiting for?

Release that inhibition ladies!!

Ladies...if you look at this photo and find that you get a sudden uncomfortable feeling, you should ask yourself why.

I have had a long drawn out discussion with my female friends about what they think is sexy versus degrading and I was in awe to discover that some women would not wear lingerie further more pose up on the furniture in it, either of their own free will or at their boyfriends request.

While many of these women had issues with their body, being that they hated their fat stomachs and stretch marks, etc...many of them just though this behavior was "porn starish".


Why, they asked. did they have to attire themselves in lace and leather to be appealing to their men? Why couldn't their men just accept them as they were without all the extra frills?

It was a sad discussion.

The fact that you are with your man means he HAS accepted you. And if you have passed the love making stage it means he has already seen the fat stomach and stretch marks. If he is still with you , it means he doesn't care, so, GET PAST IT.

Women need to stop being so insecure about their bodies and allow themselves to know the power they hold in their hands to make or break their own relationships. Your spouse may not be requesting you wear or do anything sexy or provocative, but it is a proven fact that men are visual creatures. He likes to LOOK!!
Give him something TO LOOK AT!!
There is no better feeling for a man than knowing his woman is confident in herself and her body.

And as for the porn star references. Why do women think porn is even so popular? Once again, it's the visual! Would you rather your man be looking at porn or looking at YOU?
It may very well be degrading for women to be gyrating up and down on poles  or poking their sweet parts in a camera to make a living, but if you are at home in the privacy of your own house, then why are you trying to jump into a dressing gown whenever your man comes into the room?


Don't be afraid he's going to think you're crazy or slutty or stupid. Chances are, he won't. And if he wanted to, the sight of you posed up on the chair will drive it far from his mind.

If you don't own a lacy piece of underwear of lingerie, go out and get you some! Release that inhibition of feeling foolish. You will be surprised that the first time you let go the fear of feeling foolish and shy you will discover an inner boldness that will make you a more confident, positive woman, which s not only good for your relationship, but it's good for you.

Comon ladies! You can do it!!
( I will deal with the men in another post)

Grown Folks Valentine Playlist.

I LOVE MUSIC - all types, and will use any excuse to share some of my favorites. Valentine's day is as good as any.
So let me take you there - grown folks style, with some oldies but goodies for all you mature lovers.

1.Teddy Pendergrass - When somebody loves you back. (audio)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCVRE6qXdwU

2. Teddy Pendergrass - Come Go With Me (audio)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imzfcVHTytg

3. En Vogue - Don't let Go (audio)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8jdyIcHDJw

4. Maxwell - Fortunate (video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i0fAEJQtqnU

5. Keith Sweat - Make it last forever (audio)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKgCLVl-bGY

6. Johnny Gill - My my my - (video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Var4AQWRL2o

7. Boyz 2 Men - I'll make love to you (video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV8vB1BB2qc

8. Joe - More and More (video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zqirPOT0oOs

9. Bob Marley ft Lauren Hill - Turn your lights down low (video)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JREcKmXDeAs

10. 112 - Anywhere (audio)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=va2MNCmlKwQ


So the more I look, the more I see, but I think that out of these 10 there must be something for you old school babies. So have fun with these tracks people!! This is my gift to you.

Is the romance dead?

So, yes, I have made a big fuss about Valentine's day this year - big deal. Y.O.L.O.

There is nothing wrong with feeling the love and sharing it. Year after year I am irritated by the countless number of "men" who dismiss not just the day itself, which can be deemed irrelevant, but the romantic notions that come with it.

Whatever happened to the boy meets girl, boy watches girl eat at the cafe, boy calls girl and talks for hours until someone falls asleep with the phone cradled to their ear.


So forgive me for living in the past, in some eighties movie, before boy had Blackberry and girl gave boy her pin and they did the BBM thing back and forth all day long.

Fine, fine, I can very well do a blog on the romantic benefits of texting - for there are many. But technology has made us so disconnected from each other. You can now know everything about a person without ever having spoken to them once.
Has this lack of human to human connection made us lackadaisical in our relationships? Are we even putting in the effort to spend time with the people we are "interested" in? Has the easy availability of knowledge killed the drive to communicate and share anything more than bodily fluids?
Is romance dead?

In the days when you wanted to spend more time with someone to get to know more about them, long walks on the beach would ensue. Nights under the stars as Bajan men say "bottling dew" for hours just to be close to the woman you were trying to get to know.

Now to suggest a walk in the park to any man is to walk on eggshells. The man of 2013 would text you, skype you, email you, facebook message you, but candle lit dinner? Err...maybe not.

What's worse is that our women have now reached the point that they have allowed chivalry to die. In an effort to find and keep a man they have settled for the textin and the sexin and ruled the courtship out of the equation.
The few men who have still managed to open a door, offer a jacket, pay for dinner and walk under the moonlight are often re-payed with suspicion. Women meet a "good man" and wonders why he is being so damn nice.

But it is not just our men who have fallen in this arena, Oh, yes, our ladies too have stopped walking down the lacy aisle in the lingerie department and opt for t-shirts and baggy boxers in place of their sexy thongs when it is time for bed. They choose KFC over a good hot stove home cooked meal and to ask them for a massage is a waste of time and energy.
Bet they didn't know how romantic a home cooked meal and a massage could get.

So - is the romance dead? Or is it just laying dormant? Has it lost it's role in keeping the relationship alive? Has it lost it's appeal in these modern times?

For my sake, I hope not. My heart is still very much melted when I am held by a lover watching the sun set.

10 Things to do on Valentines Day (if you're single)

I can't speak for the rest of the world, but here in Barbados most men act like Valentine's day is the date when the dead will rise and walk the earth. In fact, it seems most Bajan men would rather the dead walk the earth than to have to succumb to getting "romantic".

They insist the day was invented by a homosexual man and due to their homophobia they will break out in hives (or worse) if they encourage this celebration in any way.

To the REAL men out there, who don't need Valentine's Day to bring their woman a rose, a box of chocolates, some sexy lingerie, take her to a nice restaurant or any so such gesture she would appreciate, I applaud you. 

To the men who still think Valentine is a lappy sappy souped up day aimed at making store owners (and other small business men) earn some extra income in the slow financial period BUT suck it up and do something just so their woman can smile and show off anyway - I applaud you too. 

TO the LADIES - who have not fallen for the hype that romance is only for females, but go out of their way to present their man with something HE would like, be it dinner, a massage or a bottle of wine on the balcony. I also applaud you.

NOW - for those of you (us) who DO NOT have a "significant other" to fuss with over what is appropriate and not appropriate on this the 14th of February, I hope you are not just sitting at home sighing/crying/feeling sorry for yourselves. That is not what grown folks supposed to do if they are single on Valentines Day. (well, not the ones reading this blog anyway)

There is NO REASON why you should be feeling left out of the do if you're single - you are sexy, fun and fabulous (yes, men are fabulous too) and you know it!

So in celebration of all my single people ( my fine self included) I have thought up a list of things that you can do that DO NOT include throwing a pity party...actually - a pity party really isn't such a bad idea. It's still, after all, a party.

1. Give a gift to a special loved one.

Your mother, father, best friend. Someone who loves you. Not sexual love, but genuine will run come sit by your side all night at the hospital if you were in an accident love.

Let them know they are appreciated.

2. Go out with your single friends.

NO - this is not the pity party, nor is this the bash the opposite sex party. This is the celebration of loving yourself and being able to enjoy the love and company of good friends.

3. Have movie night. 

This can be done alone or with friends, single or coupled up. If you can handle it - rent romantic themed comedies and laugh (or cry). Wine and popcorn go well together and if you get teary in front your guest you can lie and say you rubbed salt in your eye.

4. Go on a blind date.

Yeah, I said it. You may be single, but it doesn't mean you are single and bitter and have turned away from all thoughts of ever being hitched again. Find some other single person and go out together. They may very well be around for the next Valentines Day. If not, you got out of the house and it works even better if they pay.

5. Have a pity party.

This actually has incredible benefits, but only if you do it with friends who are into the age old saying "misery likes company". You need wine for this one - and lots of it. Finger foods go well for this event. Chips for the men, fish fingers for the women. Sit around and reflect on all your exes and why they didn't work out. Think of the good times, think of the fights and then remember why you kicked their asses to the curb. SWEAR to yourself (and your friends) you will never ever everrr make the same choices again. 

OKAY -  So the next four ideas are for the naughtier of us grown folks...

6. Masturbate. 

Self explanatory

7. Borrow someone else's partner.

Surely there is someone who is in that god awful long distance relationship where skyping on Valentine's just leaves them lonely and miserable. Find them and cheer them up. 

This also goes for people who are freshly broken up or "separated". 

What you do with them is up to you.

8. Sabotage someone else's relationship.

We all know that friend who has a great partner and totally abuses their goodness. They neglect them, disrespect them, cheat on them. Long and short of the story - they don't deserve them. Why should that useless person have something good on Valentines Day? 

Now might be the time to let it slip that someone wasn't really at the gym last night like they said. 

9. Open a kissing booth outside a strip club.  (LADIES ONLY)

I am certain there will be plenty of men who either don't have a woman, don't want a woman or are just hoping to get one for the night. For the ones who were too ugly to score or too drunk to care, you can still manage to squeeze a little extra out their wallets for a Valentine Night kiss. That way you entertain yourself AND still make some pocket change. It might go better if you wear sexy lingerie and hire a bodyguard.

AND LASTLY - 

10. Sleep.

Also self explanatory.
 If you are just too depressed you don't have a Valentine - go to sleep. It will be over in a few hours.
If you just can't give a flying fig about February 14th, but you love you some you, I suggest you sleep in the nude. Do it just for me.

Whatever you choose do do - have fun everyone and be safe!!