Is a woman's hair her beauty?

I am one of those women who was raised to believe I am beautiful and that good character should surpass good looks. I have always been a free spirit, creative and spontaneous and as I moved from childhood to adult hood, that persona stayed with me. It extended from my play school and concerts of one to my clothing and hair. I never felt restricted in my self-expression. I felt my personality made me a woman and not my hair.

 I have done it all from jerri curl, relaxer, afro, cornrows, weaves, wigs,dyes. You name it, I have done it. I never saw myself as unsure of who I was or not knowing my worth as a woman, just like a painter paints on a canvas or a fashion designer puts his art in gowns, my hair was my creative signature.

Then came the day I went to the barber and cut it all off.
Medication had weakened my hair and thus the constant pressure of styling left my strands damaged, so why not chop and start again? Besides, I always wanted to try a mohawk.

I was quite alarmed when two men in the barber shop broke into conversation that they hated to see a woman with low cut or no hair and how it was the most ugly thing in the world. Why would God, they went on, give a woman long natural beautiful hair and she chop it all off?

I didn't notice them as they rambled on. One went on to say he had a girlfriend who cut her hair one day and he kicked her out. "She shouldn't be looking like no man."
"A woman's hair is her beauty, she loses it she loses that." the other agreed.
It was funny to me, for God gave men hair too, didn't he? So why did they cut theirs? Who set the standard that men should have hair cuts and not women? He gave them beards too, why didn't they let them grow?  And did these two men stop to consider that I (God forbid) may have had a medical condition that forced me to remove my hair before they started getting all upset over something that was not their business or in their control?

But it did make me think and do some research, to indeed find out that many men believed that theory of a woman's beauty being in her hair. So what if cancer takes her hair? would she no longer be the same woman? Would her value and character now diminish? Would she now be undesirable?

If a man lost an arm or leg, would he no longer be a man?

I am surprised to see the number of men that constantly complain women are materialistic and superficial when many men are the same. Women are being fed these ideals and living with low self worth due to their intent on pleasing men who only see them as trophies to be conquered and not a character, a spirit and a soul to be cherished.

When my cut was done I made a big show of myself, oohing and aahing in the mirror while they made disgusted faces.



No one sets the standard for me but ME.
Anyone who thinks I am ugly, that's their problem, I have enough of my own.
 What attracts one person will surely repel another, but at the end of the day, a real man should seek character in a woman above all else. 
If he doesn't - he ain't grown.

Hair or no hair, ladies, you are beautiful, and if you don't believe you can be - just ask Amber Rose and Chrisette Michelle (and I could go on and on and on).

They cheated - now what?

So we have dealt with signs of a cheater and if we should open up or clam up about our suspicions of the infidelity. Now, after you have seen the signs and found the proof, confronted the cheater and all is out to sea. What do you do?

From a poll of all social backgrounds there have been the same re -occuring answers.
1. Walk away
2. Revenge.
Either of the two can be devastating or gratifying.

WALKING AWAY - 
Sounds easy enough right? But often it's the hardest one. If the spouse is a husband or wife, the loss of years together, and the investment of a home and wedding itself can be looked upon with great resentment and anger. You feel betrayed that a person would go to such lengths to walk down the aisle and make vows before God and man only to break them.

For many, a breakup is hard to deal with when the presence of a partner is lacking. The "alone phase" is difficult for many people to cope with, which is why the rebound is so popular.
Many persons go out and have meaningless sex or place themselves with partners they would not usually choose just to have someone to fill the void they are experiencing from the loss of the last partner.

The decision to leave is always a difficult one. It is one where pros and cons must always be well weighed. It often seems black and white to some people. "They cheated, so leave." But that is often not the case. There are many other factors that need to be taken into consideration. When one has decided to leave, they must be ready for the emotional effects it may cause if their heart was not truly in it.
For those few who well understand that they deserve more than what they have received from the cheater and can feel like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders, they are the ones who will thrive most from the decision.

REVENGE - 

When we think of getting back at a cheater we often think of women, and it was indeed women who suggested this course of action. Women are seen as the more emotional of the two sexes, though in these times that is a fast fading fact, and like to attain some form of closure in relationships.
By having the last word or the last "sting" (so to speak) they feel a sense of power over a situation they could not originally control.
Both sexes are guilty of this, however, men do have an emotional tolerance, just as women do, and there is only so much any one person can take.

The thing about revenge, it that it is set in anger and that anger can spiral out of control. People who smashed the cars of an ex or a window, have had the ex robbed and/or beaten and other drastic things as a way of hurting someone who has hurt them may lead to them paying the price of  few court fines or days behind bars. It is not all as glamorous as it looks on television when the actors do it.
Some people have resorted to burning down houses that their partner refuses to give up and many times, a cheating spouse, lover or partner, ends up dead.

Before you get the ideas of revenge twirling in your head, ask yourself, what do you have to gain by getting the"last laugh". Is it an act that could dent your character or worse make you sped your life behind bars?
Someone who has hurt and disrespected you is not worth your time or attention.

If, however, you are the faithful wife scorned who can manage to walk away with a fat bank account and the vacation house in Barbados...more power to you.

OH!! I almost forgot - there was one more thing that most of the questioned people said you should and most likely would do after you have been cheated on.

CRY - 
and that needs no explanation.

I will ,though, post about pity parties at a later date.
They have helped me through many a break up and a broken heart.
Look out for it!

Am I Being Punked? - The sex toy Dilemma.

Am I being punked stories are sent to my inbox or have been told to me by friends. I do not make them up nor do I change the emails except in the case of grammatical errors. 

I am a man who has always been happy with my sex life. I have never had any complaints from my girl of three years about my performance. We have an active sex life that involves sex about five nights a week and some quickies in between. 

All of a sudden she starts reading these kinky romantic books from some girlfriend and telling me all these new fantasies she wants to try.

Ok. So, I am the thug type. I like some thug loving. I would go down on my girl and shove her legs to her head kind of thing, but now she wants to bring out whipped cream and all this mess that I am not down with. 

She makes some kind of chocolate sundae on her self for me to lick off and I am cool with that, but then she wants to do it on me, and I really am not about that, so she gets mad. 

Next night she wants to tie me to a chair. 

I been arrested twice, I hate being tied to anything, but she thinks I am just being difficult, so I do the other stuff like the outdoor sexing and the other fantasies she has. 

She's a good woman, she cooks and cleans and stuff, doesn't give me any trouble, I don't understand the kinky phase, but I try to roll with it cause I am a real man, and that's what men do, they find a compromise. 

But tings get from bad to worse.

She starts using vibrators now. So I watch. next thing she wants me use them on her, that is alright too. next thing, we having sex and she wants the vibrator in the mix like it's some kind of other person.

I don't like it, but I shut up and let her do her.

Next thing you know I am pumping away, sweating and grunting and this thing is whirring up my ass. 

That was the last straw for me. I am a straight man, NOTHING should be going up my backside and I tell her straight up, she has to stop this foolishness.

She insist that I would get more pleasure out of sex with her if I let my mind be open to these things, but I don't want more pleasure. 

I told her straight up, either that thing has to go or I will go. 

Should I let on that I know my spouse is cheating?

I am the kind of woman who can't hold anything in, so that answers the question right there for me.
However, all people operate differently based on their personalities.

Most people seem to think that only women at out or act up when they "assume" and later find out their man had been dipping into another sugar jar. But I have encountered many of men who are just as emotional over the topic of infidelity.

In marriages, however, I tend to notice the trend where a woman is the one more likely to file for a divorce if she finds her mate was unfaithful. Men seem to consider their "slip" as a side effect of long term (short term) ball and chain syndrome and feel it perfectly acceptable to stay in their marriages if the fling meant nothing to them and they can honestly state they still love their wives.

So? Do you, when you have sufficient proof to open the cheating can of worms, come out with the evidence Colombo style or act like you know nothing and see if the affair/fling/rubbish will stop on it's own?

Many women and men have pretended they have had no clue of their partner's infidelity, especially if it was found out to be a drunken lay or a short term fling. A one night stand could turn out to be a one time issue due to the influence of alcohol and may never take place again, like wise, a fling may be something for which the partner bears so much guilt there will never be a repeat offence.
However, a partner who keeps silent on these matters may give their spouse the belief that they have gotten away with their philandering and they may be so enticed to try at it again.

Of course, calling your partner out on their philandering has a wide range of drama to follow. Some will deny and the denial will make the situation worse. Some partners are devastated not only by the deceit of the cheater but the brazen denial of the deceit even after evidence is produced. That shatters the trust of the relationship and when trust is broken, often there is no mending of it. parties have to decide if they can move past the pain or move on to someone new.
Even when the affair has been admitted, there is still the question of where do we go from here, which makes it seem so much easier to just not say anything.

Of course, living with the burden/secret of knowing and watching your partner go back and forth as if they are doing no ill, often makes the spouse ill. The trust is already gone if both parties are keeping secrets and living a lie.

Each individual has to know how much strain their hearts and their minds can bear. they also have to know how much faithfulness in a relationship means to them. If ti is important that your partner loves and shares intimacy with only you - Call the cheater out. Don't allow it to linger. The second step is asking yourself if this is the kind of person you want or deserve.

10 signs your spouse is cheating

So I got myself mixed up in a longggg discussion about cheaters. It was really my fault as I was the one who walked into the room with the old Dickey novel with the said very title.



The discussion went from why people cheat, to how do you know if YOU are being cheated on and what do you do if you find out you ARE being cheated on?
So, of course, out of all that, came a blog, three to be exact. the first of which being the top 10 signs that you are being cheated on as rounded up by a group discussion.



The ten are in no particular order...

1. He/She becomes very secretive - 
Ok, so they may be planning your surprise birthday party OR they may be getting up to other things they would prefer that you never knew about. If your other is suddenly talking a bit too softly on the phone or choosing not to say where, when and with who they are heading out with when it was never a problem for them to say it before, you may have a cheater.



2. Clinging to the phone like a life jacket on the Titanic-
The mobile phone has been known to cause many a fight. All this texting and tweeting and other such attention stealing social habits have made many a spouse feel neglected in the presence of their partner. If your other spends more time gazing into the phone screen than into your eyes, you might have an attention problem. But if they act like the phone can't be out of their eye sight let alone their grasp for 10 seconds or less. You may have a cheating problem. That phone may be the "unspoken" connection between your lover and his/her lover(s). That is info they do not want you to get your hands on. Literally.

3. A sudden new attitude/lease on life-
Sure, people have a change of attitude all the time, but there is always some reason behind it. For many people that reason is love. Pay attention to that Tyler Perry movie Good Deeds, When Deeds stopped being grumpy and miserable and predictable, something was up. He had NOT been physically involved with another woman, but there was the influence of another woman in his life. Usually one tends to lead to the other in such cases. If your spouse suddenly has a wonderful new attitude that you can't figure from where it stemmed, pay a bit more attention, you'll find out soon enough.

4. Change in appearance - 
If your woman has suddenly dyed or cut her hair - that's a warning flag that something major happened in her life. If a man who always wears a suit and tie decides one day to jump into surf shorts and a tee, your antennae should be up, up, UP.
Yes, people go through stages and phases and crisis of all kinds, but often, seeing a new person will lead to changes FOR that new person.

5. Being more self aware - 
If there is someone new in the picture, your spouse might be making a bit more effort for them. A woman may pay added attention to her make up or hair. A man may put on more cologne or check that hos socks match. Subtle signs like these that seem out of character are clues that someone else may be in the picture.

6. Talking about friends of the opposite sex - 
Listening plays an important role in relationships and it is often by listeinng that one can determine much. If your spouse has started talking or has increased talking about a co- worker, friend or neighbor of the opposite sex, this is a red flag. There is nothing wrong with keeping friends and acquaintances of the opposite sex, but if their name keeps coming up more than usual in random conversations, the two may be spending more time together than is healthy or may be on the mind of your significant other more than you should be comfortable with.

7. He/She is suddenly carrying around personal hygiene products - 
Ever seen your man with mouthwash in his car before? Or your woman ever carried a toothbrush to work? They may seem harmless to you, but if your other isn't having tuna or on some new garlic diet, that may be a tiny sign that they are covering traces of someone else's breath.
 If your man goes to the gym with a cake of soap and comes home smelling pleasantly of Irish Spring, you may not want to be so quick to buy into the hype of an after basket ball shower. You might want to see if his gym clothes really are stink of sweat, cause he may have had a workout, just not on the ball court.

8. Changes in sex patterns - 
This is usually the biggest warning sign that something has gone wrong in a relationship. If your spouse is NOT having sex with you or is making up excuses not to, there are many things that can be derived from that. Most people tend to think infidelity right away, however, stress, medication and many other factors can play a role here. What most people DON'T consider is when the sex drive of your other suddenly goes UP, that is a big cheating red flag as well.
If your partner is not yet physical with his new "friend" the sexual tension and desire will contribute to their libido being higher than normal. And if your partner is suddenly busting out new positions or toys and tricks that they never once considered - someone else may be pulling the strings on your puppet.

9. Always late -
Everyone is late sometimes and some people are late all the time. But if your spouse is always late and always has excuses (that may or may not add up) you may want to do some background checks into their schedule. If meetings keep running late and the car keeps stalling, things might be a bit shady. If your spouse is not good at juggling time between you and someone else, there may always be the late factor that comes with to try to keep up with both parties.

10. The "I need time/space" story -
Whenever you hear "I need time/space"... be afraid, be very afraid. That's often the first step to something off. The person saying those words has either already considered leaving OR is testing the waters to see if there's something out there better than you. As long as they have "space" they can carry on their fling and see if it turns into something better than what they had with you. if it doesn't they can always come back.
If a person wants their space too often in a relationship - get rid of them. You are being played.

Yes, there are many, many other signs that may or be more scientifically correct than these, but no shrink am I, these were some of the major ones I pooled from a group of grown folks. Maybe next week I will do 10 more. 

AM I BEING PUNKED? Stories and Dilemas

I keep warning you guys about the online world - and you just are not listening to me. A reader shared her story of the meeting she had with a facebook "friend".

First of all, my friend is a beautiful woman who takes care of her self, meaning, she stays clean and stylish and is very fussy about her appearance. 

This man, who claims to work in the government, was a far cry of anything he portrayed online. The report was the man turned up in whites that had gone way past their prime and a scent spewing off him that no man alive should posses. She described it as a mixture of old weed and pure funk.

At this point in the story I was already in stitches, but there was more. 

This man had browning chipped teeth, the brown from excess smoking, the chipped from whatever. And we do not hate against any one with a chipped tooth, but a man who works for a reasonable amount of money could consider at least getting his teeth taken care of. At this point, judging from his smell alone, I didn't think he cared what his teeth looked like. 

I really wish to not go on with the story because you get the point, I am sure. In this day and age, it is appalling that grown men are not taking the time to look after their physical appearance and hygiene. Yes, many of you may say the story was exaggerated to suit the distaste of my friend, but on the contrary, many, many Bajan men just could care less the way they look ( or behave for that matter).

So you may have a cracked tooth, but was brushing your teeth too much to ask for? On the first meeting at that?

All I can surmise from this is, at least he was real. If he turned up looking suave and sexy then morphed into a stinking monster in a week, the shock would have been greater.

Mind you, I have also heard cases where men come on first dates looking their worse to see if women are "superficial" and only want them for looks or money. 

I know some of you out there are naturally friendly, and don't mind meeting your facebook "friends" in an effort to include new people into your circles, just be careful. Everything online is not what it seems. 

Please send your stories of dates gone wrong and other foolishness to me at kekebake@gmail.com or inbox me on the facebook  Grown Folks Advice page. 

What's the number one characteristic you look for in a partner?

Some of you submit topics for the blog to the facebook inbox.
For questions that have more than one answer I round up my pool of loyal readers and ask them for their answers.
So, here were the answers I collected.

What is the number one characteristic you look for in a partner?

Women Answered - 
Good Looks
Ambition
Funny personality
Good Listener
Swag (how he dresses)
Attentive
Talkative
Educated
Wealth
Living situation (alone or with mom)
If he flirts too much or is a player
How he treats his mother
Family oriented ( and if he wants marriage and kids)


Men Answered-
Good Looks
Manners
Big booty
Nice Breast
Eyes
Natural hair
The way she carries her self
Friendly
How she dresses (classy or trashy)
Church going
If she can have a conversation (Educated)
A good cook
Clean and tidy

Are there many differences between the things women and men look for?